Worried about the Paris Climate Treaty?  Now you can save the Earth with this one weird trick!  (Power companies hate this!)

Worried about the Paris Climate Treaty? Now you can save the Earth with this one weird trick! (Power companies hate this!)

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I love science. I really do. I march for it all the time, and my Facebook profile is littered with re-posts of kitschy science memes. If that doesn’t make me qualified to speak as a scientist (of course, it should, but just to be on the safe side), I also hold not one, but two degrees in engineering. This makes me at least twice as qualified as the eminent Bill Nye the Science Guy to speak on all subjects science and gender related.

Therefore, as someone who loves science, I was morally obligated to enter a state of total and abject panic yesterday, when I learned that Trump decided that the United States will withdraw from the illegitimate, unconstitutional, supposedly non-binding Paris climate treaty. After all, we scientists can’t be bothered with the grubby, humdrum deals such as Constitutionality, or job destruction, or any of the other mundane, boring rules that we expect other people to care about. We are scientists! To quote one of my favorite bad-guys, “You must learn, child, that what would be wrong for you or for any of the common people is not wrong in a great Queen [scientist] such as I. The weight of the world is on our shoulders. We must be freed from all rules. Ours is a high and lonely destiny.” Yes, that definitely sums up the plight of today’s scientists, alright. Our destiny is to save the world! (We even have TV shows that feature us tackling this very gargantuan task!) We can’t be bothered with little things like laws.

Sure, the Constitution requires the Senate to confirm treaties. Sure, the Paris climate treaty was never confirmed by the Senate to begin with. And under normal circumstances, sure, these things might matter. But this is the world we’re talking about! We have to SAVE it! By golly, we need to lower the global temperatures by 1.5 degrees Celsius, or New York City is going to be underwater by 2015 2050 2100 2200… well… it’s going to be under water someday! Actually, most climate scientists have learned their lesson about making specific year predictions, so we don’t know the exact date at which the entire world will be flooded, but we know it’s coming. Of course, it may not matter, since humans are going to be extinct in another 100 years anyway, but even if that is the case, Trump pulling out of the Paris climate deal is still racist, and probably homophobic, trans-phobic, and xenophobic as well.

Anyway, if you, like me, are a scientist, then I’m sure you’re wondering the same thing that I was: what do we do to save the Earth? Is it even possible to reverse the catastrophic course of action which has been set in motion now that the US has pulled out of the Paris deal? And more importantly, is there any way we can get Angela Merkel and the rest of her European buddies to like us again? Well, fear not! We scientists are here to save the day!

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Most people don’t know this, but every single home-built in the US since about the mid 1960’s has a revolutionary climate saving device built right into it! Most people don’t know it, because big oil, big coal, big Wall-Street, big banking, big pharma companies love keeping secrets that could potentially save the world (and save you gobs of money) from consumers to protect their own greedy profits. But fortunately, this one weird trick will not only save the planet, but save you lots of money in the process. The best part? There’s nothing those evil money-grubbing corporations can do to stop you! Have a house older than the 1960’s? Don’t worry! You too can save the planet! The Earth-saving technology built into older homes is a little bit less familiar and may be harder to use, but it’s still every bit as effective.

What is the secret that the power companies have been hiding from us for so long? Well, go find your circuit breaker panel (or fuse box, for you old-house folks) and open it up. You should see rows of circuit breakers, usually situated in two parallel vertical rows. Look around for two breakers connected to each other, or one big breaker that’s separate from the rest. It may be labeled “MAIN” or something similar. Flip that switch, and presto! you have just reduced your Earth-killing emissions by 98.7%! If you have a fuse box, don’t worry! Simply pull out all of the fuses from the box, and dispose of them in an environmentally friendly way. If just half of the 70% of Americans who support the Paris climate deal made this simple change, we would save about 1500 terawatts (can we rename it terra-watts, to be more Earth friendly?) of energy per year! That’s about 770 million tons of carbon dioxide per year prevented from entering the atmosphere, which will probably cool the Earth by as much as 0.1 degrees Celsius (plus or minus 1) per decade starting in 100 years, with roughly 50% confidence! And as we all know, carbon dioxide is a toxic, deadly, Earth-killing substance which needs to be limited at all costs. (Unless of course you’re a plant, in which case carbon dioxide is absolutely essential for survival. But who cares about plants, right? We’re saving the world!)

Now, as if the primary benefit of saving the world isn’t enough to motivate you to take the two seconds out of your life to find your breaker box and flip that switch, there are a whole host of other advantages. I’ve outlined a few of them below.

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  1. You will literally never pay another cent to your power company again! Yes, not only will you be saving the Earth, but you’ll also stick it to those evil, money-grubbing capitalists and make it even harder for them to kill the Earth.
  2. You will also never have to pay another cable, internet or phone bill again! Now that you’re saving the Earth, you can go ahead and cancel all of these services, because you won’t be able to use them anyway!
  3. Tired of your cell phone running out of charge? Now that you’re saving the Earth, you’ll never have to worry about your cell phone, laptop, or electric car battery going dead ever again. That’s right! Since you won’t be able to charge any of these devices anyway, you can get rid of them (in an environmentally friendly manner, of course).
  4. You’ll be more in-shape than you’ve ever been in your life! Now that you’re walking (or biking) everywhere since you got rid of your electric car, you will reap the multitude of benefits of increased physical activity. If you’re less serious about saving the Earth, you could consider getting a horse and buggy, but just remember that livestock is responsible for as much as 51% of greenhouse gas emissions world-wide, so you’re still kind of killing the Earth. As a matter of fact, we should probably all just go vegan.
  5. You’ll never eat food that isn’t fresh again! Now that your refrigerator is more of an accent furniture piece in your kitchen and less of a utility, you won’t really be able to store frozen or refrigerated items for very long. Which is great news, since everyone knows that fresh is best! Worried about what to eat during the winter, when you can’t grow your own food? No problem! Once we cool the Earth, most cities in the US will remain below freezing for most of the winter, so you can still freeze your fruits and veggies simply by placing them outside!
  6. More sleep! Tired of being tired? Not any more! Now that you aren’t using any electricity, you’ll find that you get way more sleep than you used to, especially during those long winter nights!
  7. Lower life expectancy! Now that you can’t refrigerate your foods, you’re much more likely to die early due to the vast quantity of food poisoning you’ll likely get from eating spoiled food. This is great, since over-population is one of the biggest contributing factors to global warming! You’re helping to cut humanity back down to size.

Of course, I could go on and on, but I think you get the point. The advantages to flipping the switch are innumerable, and anyone with half a brain who loves science will want to take this one simple step to save the Earth.

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Now, of course, there will always be the climate skeptics out there. You know the type, the ones who hate science. The ones who disagree with the 90% of authors that have managed to get 10 peer reviewed papers on climate change that believe in man-made global warming. Sure, they’ll sound convincing. They might point out the fact that those very same climate scientists have been wrong for decades about predicting what the climate is going to do. They might tell you that 50 years ago, everyone thought the Earth was going to die of global cooling, rather than global warming, and point to this as evidence for how unreliable climate scientists’ doomsday claims actually are. They might point out that the temperature of the Earth isn’t actually that easy to measure, and that our methodology for doing so has changed a lot over the last thousand years (believe it or not, they actually claim that we weren’t using satellites to measure the Earth’s temperature 100 years ago.  As if that matters!)  They will claim that this makes it difficult to say with certainty that the Earth is actually any hotter than it’s been before.

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See, who needs satellites to measure the global temperature of the Earth?  We’ve been doing it since 1880! (Credit  The Telegraph)

The particularly precocious ones might point out that NOAA and others tweak that temperature data in order to make it look like the Earth is warming more than it actually is. They might point out the mafia-like behavior of the climate science community that kicks out anyone who dares to question the global warming myth, and that even renowned climate scientists are blocked from publishing papers that question global warming. They may cite this as an explanation for the disproportionate number of climate scientists with publications that believe in man-made global warming, while a large number of non “climate” scientists reject the claim. As if that isn’t enough, they may go on to cite the hypocrisy of man-made global warming proponents like Al Gore, saying that if they really believed in global warming they wouldn’t be flying around in a private jet all the time. They might even get personal by insulting your coal-powered electricity powered car. They might say that coal-powered electricity powered cars are worse for the environment than gas powered, because they require rare-Earth magnets which are produced in China in a process that does too much damage to the environment to make it profitable in the US with EPA regulations.

But don’t let them fool you! Sure, they might sound convincing! Sure, they might raise some good points! But that just goes to show that secretly, deep down, they must hate science! They probably believe that unborn fetuses shouldn’t be injected with poison and dismembered in utero, too. They probably don’t even believe in 100% scientifically documented 58 genders, either. See how backwards and science-hating this crowd is! That just goes to show why you shouldn’t listen to them. Like Ulysses and the Sirens, put wax in your ears and ignore the logic madness of these science-hating barbarians!

And of course, now that you know about what you can do to save the Earth, if you don’t actually follow through on it, one can only conclude that you too actually hate science and want the Earth to perish in a blazing ball of fire. So, don’t give those climate deniers any more ammunition! Turn off your electricity today; right now if you’re at home! Get rid of your car. If your car is a regular plant-food emitting car (you know, the kind that runs on oil), then it’s probably safe to take it to the junk yard and let it be safely turned into scrap metal. But if you have an electric or hybrid car, you probably shouldn’t risk all those toxic chemicals in your battery contaminating the Earth, so probably best to just keep it as a keepsake in your garage, so long as you never use it again. Same goes for those mercury-containing fluorescent light bulbs; best to just keep them as keepsakes from a time gone by. But everything else must go! We really can save the world, despite Trump’s efforts to stop us! This isn’t rocket science, folks. Saving the world is a piece of cake. (Well, cake isn’t the most environmentally friendly… how about a piece of kale?) If we all really believe in global warming, we’ll go home and save the world right now.  There’s nothing stopping us… right?